I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
