what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
