at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You need a sexual gate keeper
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
