remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My breasts were aching with rage.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
