So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she told me i tasted like america
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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