from now on my penis is your penis
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
