getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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