my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
