My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
where are you?
Hypothermia
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
