So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
