Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
