i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
