On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I think I won the penis lottery.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
