we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
