I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
