Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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