Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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