I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
