for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
do herpes really smell.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize