Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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