Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I could make wine with my vomit
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
