In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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