if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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