I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
