i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just googled if crying burns calories
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
