My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
