she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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