I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
