I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Randomize
