My Higher Power is John Stamos
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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