I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
