Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
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