i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
