Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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