so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
