Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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