I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
