either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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