Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
