This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
