I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
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