oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize