Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
