Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
