I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Randomize
