this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
