Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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