true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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