How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
