So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
