so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
