The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize