Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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