I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
