Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
