Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
