Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
